Not Another Twilight Parody
by Feeding-The-Wolves
Summary: The epic Twilight saga, complete with sparkly vampires, hot shirtless werewolves and one stupid human. Now with FREE swearing and sexual references!
1. Twilight

Hi guys! I'm Feeding-The-Wolves (not a Twilight reference, by the way), and this is my parody of Twilight. I originally published it about two years ago (my pen name was XenaGirl back then) and since then I've been gradually improving it. So now that I'm finally happy with it, I've decided to re-publish it!

This parody makes it pretty obvious that I really don't like Twilight. I'm ashamed to say that I read all the books a few years ago and I loved them for a while, but I absolutely hate them now. So, if you're a huge Twilight fan, this parody might be a little bit insulting to you. Sorry if I offend anyone! I'm also sorry if the format of the story annoys anyone... there's a reason it's like that though. Basically I wanted to show everyone that the entire plot of each Twilight book can be explained in about a page.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, thank God.

BELLA: Hi! I'm Bella Swan! I just moved here from Phoenix! I've been here five minutes, and you're the sexiest guy I've seen, so do you want to get it on?

EDWARD: _(nasty glare)_ Go away. You smell bad.

BELLA: Oh… that's a little bit rude, but since you're really hot, I'll overlook it. Is it okay if I sit next to you?

EDWARD: No! Stay away… but not that far away! Just next to that tree is good.

BELLA: Why are you so grumpy?

EDWARD: Because I am a vampire. Oh… damn, I wasn't meant to tell you that.

BELLA: Wow! That's cool.

EDWARD: Yeah. I sparkle and make windchime noises and shit. I also like to watch you sleep, but not in a creepy way. It's really not that creepy, I just climb in through your window and-

BELLA: I LOVE YOU!

EDWARD: I don't love you… oh, no wait, now I do!

JACOB: Hi, I'm Jacob! Do you remember we used to be great friends when we were little? Do you want to be friends again? We could go to the beach and-

BELLA: Not right now, little boy. My Edward is here! Let's kiss!

EDWARD: Okay… _(They kiss, Edward loses control and pushes Bella away, Bella cries, Edward shoves his mouth onto hers to shut her up. Repeat ad nauseum)_ I have to go and practice being dark and brooding now. Hope you don't mind.

BELLA: Not at all! I'll just stare at your jaw for a few minutes.

EDWARD: Now that I have perfected the art of hating myself and my species, you must meet my family.

CULLENS: HI!

CARLISLE: I'm the sexiest doctor in the universe. Would you like me to check your heartbeat? No? Damn, that never works.

ESME: Hello! I'm Edward's sweet and lovely mother. Thankyou so much for being my son's first girlfriend! We were pretty sure he was gay. Just warning you.

ALICE: I'm tiny and graceful, but just try and beat me in a fight. Hint: you won't.

EMMETT: I snack on grizzly bears. And when I can't get grizzlies, I snack on squirrels. A _lot _of squirrels.

ROSALIE: I'm extremely beautiful. I would accuse you of staring at my boobs, but you're female. I think. Humans all look the same to me.

JASPER: I'm an adorable Texan with a slight self-control problem. Pleased to eat you… I mean-

BELLA: Wow, you guys are all so welcoming… I hate that.

ALICE: Let's play baseball!

EMMETT: I WIN!

JASPER: But we haven't even started playing!

ALICE: Never mind that now! I just had a vision! Fifty-thousand Romanian gypsies are coming this way! Gypsies, Carlisle! And-

LAURENT: Uh… actually, we're just three vampires.

ALICE: Oh. Well, nobody's perfect.

LAURENT: Hi. I'm not actually evil, just misunderstood. Admit it, I'm kind of sexy.

VICTORIA: I'm so dangerous, I even scare myself sometimes.

JAMES: Mmm, something smells good.

EDWARD: RUN AWAY!

BELLA: Bye! Call me, sexy dreadlocked guy!

JAMES: Hey, yo mama's so dead, she already organized her funeral! Oh, SNAP!

BELLA: Oh, no! I suppose this is where the suspenseful prologue where I sacrifice myself for my mother comes in. Does that mean I still have to do it, or can I bail out?

JAMES: Hey, my plan actually worked! That's… never happened to me before. Now, let's get down to business. Which means I'm going to bite you.

BELLA: Ow! Wait, now I'm going to be undead like Edward! Yay!

JAMES: Hey, that wasn't supposed to make you happy! Damn, I KNEW I should have done some torturing first.

EDWARD: Oh no, my angel is dying! Now, I must rip James apart while brainstorming tragic and painful ways to kill myself… damn you, multi-tasking!

CARLISLE: Wait, don't kill James! He deserves to live, like any-

EMMETT: Uh, I already ripped his head off. Yeah…sorry.

CARLISLE: _(Long-suffering but tolerant sigh)_ Never mind, son. Edward, you have to suck the venom out of Bella!

EDWARD: Aw man… couldn't you do it?

CARLISLE: Good heavens no! I'm a doctor, not a masochist!

EDWARD: Fine… _(cue really gross sucking sounds and delighted giggling from Bella)_

CARLISLE: Well done, you saved her life… hey, stop making out with her! She's unconscious!

EDWARD: Oh! I couldn't tell the difference. Sorry, Bella.

BELLA: That's okay. I never know whether I'm conscious or not, either. Especially when I see your chiseled jaw, my precious Eddy-Weddy!

VICTORIA: They killed my sweetykins! Time to wreak my revenge! MWAHAHAHA! But I'll conveniently wait a few months so the series can be stretched out into at least two more books.


	2. New Moon

**I'm surprised that this story has been so well received so far… I haven't had one flame yet! Let's see whether I can change that with this parody of New Moon. It was actually my favourite of the four books, mainly because Edward was barely in it, so I loved writing this particular chapter. I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Twilight.**

CULLENS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELLA!

ALICE: Look at this beautiful party I spent weeks organizing for you! Look at this huge cake I made in the shape of Edward's face-

BELLA: Oh, a birthday party. How annoying! You guys KNOW I hate any form of contact with other people! Except Edward, that is.

EDWARD: I believe you have me confused. I am not a person. I am a vampire, and we are not worthy of this-

EVERYONE: Shut up, Edward.

ALICE: Come over here to the mound of presents! You'll be pleased to know that they are completely safe. I removed all that barbed wire Rosalie tied around the presents, and now there's no way even _you _could injure yourself on them!

BELLA: Oops, I gave myself a paper cut.

JASPER: BLOOODD!

CARLISLE: Jasper, stop eating your brother's girlfriend. Let everyone else have a bite first.

BELLA: I TOLD you not to throw me a birthday party. This is why I'm so antisocial. Well… no it's not. I just hate people.

EDWARD: _(in a creepy, I'm-going-to-rape-you-and-then-slit-your-throat way)_ Come into the forest with me, Bella.

BELLA: Okay! I see absolutely _nothing _strange or creepy in the way you're acting!

EDWARD: Look, here's the thing. I'm dumping you. There's this awesome girl I know who wears a mountain lion-skin bikini when she hunts. So… have a great life!

BELLA: NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE! I LOVE YOU, COME BACK! _(two hours later)_ Okay, I'm REALLY angry now! If you don't come back I'll sit down and hold my breath! Then you'll be sorry!

SAM: Are you sure you want your daughter back, Charlie? I could just, you know, discreetly drop her off a cliff somewhere. I wouldn't tell anyone, I promise.

BELLA: I am so depressed. I think I should become a hermit.

JACOB: Hi, do you remember me?

BELLA: Nope.

JACOB: Oh… well, I never wear a shirt, and-

BELLA: Let's be friends! _Best _friends! But first, I have to go into the forest to sulk a bit. It's something I try to do for a few hours every day.

LAURENT: Bella! What extraordinary luck that you happen to be in the same meadow I am passing through, just when I'm starting to get thirsty!

BELLA: Oh, no, don't kill me! But wait… dying is a great way to get attention! Go on!

HALLUCINATION OF EDWARD: Run, Bella! There are more things coming this way that also eat small, defenseless human boys! Or are you a girl?

BELLA: Edward! I knew you still loved me- Oh my God, giant wolves!

LAURENT: Oh, just be quiet, _mon petit repas_. Do you seriously expect me to believe there is a pack of giant wolves behind me?

BELLA: There is seriously a pack of giant wolves behind you.

LAURENT: Yeah, right… _AU SECOURS! Un loup massif me mange_!

BELLA: I really should be running away right now, but I want to steal Laurent's jacket, so I might just hang around for a second.

JACOB: I have a secret.

BELLA: Oh no, is it that you're gay? You're gay, aren't you? Why are all the hot guys gay?

JACOB: No, much more exciting than that! But I can't tell you, so you'll have to guess. I'll give you a hint: I am not a cat.

BELLA: Um… God, I have no idea. Are you a refrigerator?

JACOB: Oooh, close! Nah, just kidding, you're way off. Think what mythical monsters there are in Harry Potter.

BELLA: I know, you're a werewolf!

JACOB: YES! And so are all my friends. Come and meet them!

BELLA: Hmm… why does this scenario feel so familiar to me? I must have gone to meet a pack of werewolves before or something.

SAM: Hello. I'm the alpha male of the werewolf pack. I'm marrying my ex-girlfriend's cousin.

LEAH: I'm the ex-girlfriend.

BELLA: Why should I care? Let me just remind you that my life is OVER! Why is everyone so selfish?

SETH: I'm Leah's brother. I'm adorable! If you would ever like someone to hug, I'm your guy. Here's my card.

PAUL: I'm a bit of a douche, actually. Even I have to admit that.

JARED: I don't know what kind of personality I'm supposed to have, since I only get about seven lines throughout this whole series.

JACOB: Now that you have no boyfriend, would you like to go out with me?

BELLA: No, not really. I like my men sparkly.

JACOB: My teeth are sparkly.

BELLA: Let's not run away with ourselves, Jacob.

SAM: Great news! That evil vampire, Victoria, is coming after you. So… good luck with that.

BELLA: Aren't you going to save me? I mean, God, it's not like I can do anything myself!

SAM: No. What do you think we are, some kind of gang? Let's go cliff-diving, boys.

BELLA: Hey, check out those guys jumping off that cliff into the ocean! I want to try that!

HALLUCINATION OF EDWARD: Don't be so stupid! I can't believe anyone could be that stupid. You'll drown, idiot!

BELLA: Why on earth would I drown? The ocean LOVES me, like everyone else! Oh… I have water in my lungs.

JACOB: I'll save you, Bella!

BELLA: Oh, it's you. I thought you were that hot Jared guy. Damn.

JACOB: Why did I save you again?

ALICE: Oh no! I didn't make it back in time. She's like, totally dead.

BELLA: No, I was just having some fun. God, why does everyone always assume I have no idea how to look after myself?

ALICE: Hate to break it to you, but Edward thinks you're dead. So he's gone to ask the evil vampire royal family, the Volturi, to kill him. You have to save him!

BELLA: Oh, no! I could _never _do that! I'm far too clumsy! Can't your family save Edward?

ALICE: No; they faint at the sight of bad plotlines.

BELLA: Oh. Alright, then. I must risk my life to save the guy who broke my heart into a thousand little pieces!

ALICE: You're a whackjob. But let's go, we have a long journey ahead of us and I have to shove my wardrobe into a suitcase again.

BELLA: Don't kill yourself, Edward! I just drowned, but I totally saved myself! I'm amazing.

EDWARD: What, you're alive now? Why doesn't this plot make any sense?

BELLA: I don't know, Edward. Let me stroke your pale, hairy chest.

ARO: Hello, I'm the leader of the Volturi! Sorry to interrupt your weird chest-stroking ritual, but I really must know whether you want to join our freaky cult.

MARCUS: I'm bored.

CAIUS: I'M ANGRY! Let's kill them!

JANE: I torture people for a living. Screwed up, right?

ALEC: I can deprive people of their senses. That's less screwed up than my twin sister, right?

ARO: _(slightly hopeful)_ Would you still like us to kill you, Edward?

EDWARD: Maybe next time.

ARO: Okay! You can go. Just take my business card. Call me anytime you want to die an agonising death!

CAIUS: Aw, MAN! You never let me kill ANYONE!

ARO: Stop throwing a tantrum and eat your human, Caius!

EDWARD: I don't actually hate you Bella, I was just trying to protect you from myself.

JACOB: HA! What an excuse!

BELLA: Oh, Edward! That is _so _romantic and selfless!

JACOB: Wait, what? Oh… I see. Dogs aren't good enough for you, huh? Well, I don't like you either! I can find a new girlfriend any time I want, with these ripped abs.

BELLA: Oh, Edward! Let us continue where we left off with the chest-stroking.

ALICE: Why am I even with these people? I'm too good for them.

JACOB: Me too. I should go out with you instead. Or I would if we weren't mortal enemies.

BELLA: Happy ending!

**For people who don't speak French, I'll just give a quick translation of Laurent's lines:**

**Mon petit repas = My little meal.**

**Au secours! Un loup massif me mange! ****= Help! A giant wolf is eating me!**

**I love reviews. :P**


	3. Eclipse

**Here's my version of Eclipse, otherwise known as the book where nothing interesting happens until the very end, except that Bella acts like a total slut. Like we haven't seen that before.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this shit. I don't own Ferraris either.**

EDWARD: So, are you still seeing that Jacob guy?

BELLA: Yeah, he's my BFF!

EDWARD: _(forced, strained smile)_ That's GREAT! Great you have such a good friend… I'm quite happy to share you!

BELLA: Can I go see him, then? We're going motorbike riding!

EDWARD: ARE YOU CRAZY? I mean… Bella sweetheart, would you like to sleepover at my house with Alice while I go hunting?

BELLA: Sure, I guess.

EDWARD: Alice, make sure Bella can't get out of the house. I must know that I am constantly in control of her, or I may get very upset and break my piano.

ALICE: Ooh, yay! I'm going to paint Bella's toenails blood red and see if Jasper will suck on them!

BELLA: Ew! Edward, when you get back, you are SO DONE. LIKE A STEAK.

EDWARD: Bella, my darling! Did you enjoy your sleepover? Let's lie in this bed. You can be all virginal and pure, and then-

BELLA: Why can't we be naughty for once? I'll be _un_-virginal.

EDWARD: I don't understand. What are you suggesting?

BELLA: Let me spell it out for you. S-E-X.

EDWARD: AHHH! Stay away from me, you evil temptress! Anyway, I have a surprise for you.

BELLA: Oh, how exciting! Is it that you've finally managed to build up a small six-pack?

EDWARD: No. It's an engagement ring! So… will you marry me?

BELLA: …AHAHAHAHAHA!

EDWARD: Hmm. Obviously this is some joke that vampires are too savage and ungodly to understand. Like blonde jokes.

BELLA: Oh Edward, you're SO funny! I think I may be about to die from laughter!

EDWARD: OH GOD NO! Quick, help me find Aro's business card! I'll have to die horribly and my family will be all upset and-

BELLA: Woah, it's okay Edward. I was just joking.

JACOB: Hi, am I interrupting anything?

BELLA: No, nothing at all. Come right in!

JACOB: Okay. Stand still, Bella. I am going to kiss you… Hey, what was that I just felt brushing against my chin? Have you grown a beard, Bella? If you have… I might lose interest.

BELLA: I just punched you, idiot! Why aren't you in pain? Dammit! I should have gone for the handbag swing, or the groin kick.

JACOB: Oh. Does this mean we aren't in love?

BELLA: Yes. But Jacob, I really can't blame you for loving me. After all, even my name is an incredibly subtle and clever reference to my beauty!

JACOB: Wow. Sam was right. You _are _a crazy bitch.

CARLISLE: Hey, I just remembered. Victoria is still coming after you, Bella. And she has an army this time. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was busy practicing my bedside manner.

JASPER: We need to team up with someone to fight the army.

BELLA: Great, we can team up with the werewolf pack!

JASPER: Actually, I was kind of thinking-

EDWARD: Shut up, no-one likes you! Wolf pack it is!

JASPER: But I thought… Bella, you like me, don't you?

BELLA: _(derisive laugh)_

JACOB: We have to hide Bella. I'll take her up into the mountains where we will sleep in the same sleeping bag in a small tent. It's gonna be great! I'll bring the marshmallows.

EDWARD: Okay, I think I'll take her!

BELLA: You can both come! It'll be like a slumber party, except with a deadly showdown between my two lovers! Sexy!

EDWARD: I have to go and help my family fight. I'll just leave you in the freezing cold in this small tent. What could possibly go wrong?

JACOB: He's gone. Let's kiss now.

BELLA: No, it would be wrong. Besides, remember the last time we tried it? Come on, it was only a page ago.

JACOB: OH. Well, if THAT'S how you feel, then maybe I'll just leave!

BELLA: No! Don't go… kiss me first.

JACOB: So… confused…

EDWARD: _(scary, eye-twitching smile)_ That's okay that you kissed Jacob! I love you and only want you to be happy! You can kiss whoever you want, even flea-bitten mutts if that's the way you roll.

BELLA: Wow, thanks! That's so considerate.

EDWARD: I KNOW! OH MY GOD I'M SO 

BELLA: …Okay. I was only saying… okay.

EDWARD: So, what do you say?

BELLA: About what?

EDWARD: I JUST ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME! JESUS WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN?

BELLA: Okay, okay. Don't have a coronary, I'll marry you.

JACOB: MY LIFE IS OVER! I will now live as a wolf and be one with nature. And I'm taking the marshmallows with me!

BELLA: You can go, but leave the marshmallows.

JACOB: …Huh. There must be _some_ reason why I like you so much, but I'll be damned if I can remember what it is.

EDWARD: Oh, Victoria's here! With all this far more interesting stuff going on, I totally forgot she existed.

VICTORIA: Hey! I spent months planning this attack, and you're not even appreciating it! Well… could you at least write that I was beautiful and adored on my headstone?

EDWARD: No. I will write that you were evil and twisted, and also a ranga.

BELLA: Oh, you're so brave Edward! My hero!

EDWARD: Uh, I have some bad news. I'll break it to you gently: Jacob got owned, man.

BELLA: Whatever. Now carry my bags back down the mountain. That includes my hair straightener. Oh yes, I did bring that with me into the wilderness.

CARLISLE: Uh… could I just point out that Jacob is almost dead, while you are straightening your hair?

BELLA: Not now, Callum! Can't you see I am straightening my hair?

CARLISLE: Isn't Jacob's life a little more important that your hair? And also, my name is Carlisle, not Callum!

BELLA: Obviously Edward did not inherit his compassionate nature from you.

CARLISLE: Must…control anger…to keep place… in Heaven.

ROSALIE: Why are you even here? None of us really like you.

BELLA: Maybe it is time to reconsider my future with these people.

EDWARD: But I was going to buy you a Ferrari and everything!

BELLA: … I LOVE you guys!

EDWARD: Isn't this wonderful? Now that Victoria is dead, we can go back to being a normal couple again! We can talk about normal things, instead of evil vampires! So, what do you want to talk about?

BELLA: Uh… let me see…

EDWARD: Er…

BELLA: Ummm…

EDWARD: Do you want to make out?

BELLA: Oh God yes.

**Hehe. It always amused me that Edward and Bella really only ever talked about vampire stuff, not normal things like books and movies and school. I mean, what would they talk about once everything had gone back to normal? It's not like they have anything in common.**

**I've split Breaking Dawn up into two installments, like they did with the movies. So, the next chapter is the first part of Breaking Dawn.**

**Reviews please! :)**


	4. Breaking Dawn Part 1

**I've just started watching True Blood, and I don't know whether any of you watch it, but it is absolutely amazing! Although it is rated R, so I'd say that if you're under the age of 16, you're too young to watch it. It's a little bit raunchy, to be honest. But anyway, it was based on a book series that was written years ago, way before Twilight, and it's pretty obvious that Stephenie Meyer copied off it. I mean it's about a human and a vampire who fall in love, and there's also a shapeshifter who turns into a dog, who is of course in love with the human girl. And even worse, Sookie (the human) can read minds, but she can't read Bill the vampire's mind… just like in Twilight, except in reverse. Stephenie just copied everything! Sorry I ranted a bit, but that makes me so angry. Anyway.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that Stephenie plagiarised from True Blood. I also don't own Converse shoes.**

BELLA: Ew! No, don't do my hair that way!

ROSALIE: I simply cannot work with her, Alice. She's too difficult, and also, she looks ugly no matter what you do.

BELLA: Why can't I just wear jeans and a T-shirt?

ALICE: I can't believe you will be my sister in the next hour.

BELLA: I'll be your SISTER? God, no-one told me that.

ALICE: Whatever, just hurry up. I want to make sure I've packed all of the lingerie I can fit in your suitcase.

PRIEST: Dearly beloved, we are gathered-

ALICE: STOP THE WEDDING! She's wearing Connies underneath her dress!

EDWARD: Shut up, Alice! Esme, make her stop! _(Edward throws a tantrum until Alice is removed from the room)_

PRIEST: I now pronounce you man and wife.

EDWARD: Yeah! You're my bitch! Now, let's go on a honeymoon! This is Isle Esme, a beautiful tropical island filled with extraordinary wildlife that I will be eating over the next few weeks.

BELLA: Let's have sex.

EDWARD: No.

BELLA: Yes.

EDWARD: No.

BELLA: If you don't have sex with me, I'll cry.

EDWARD: Hey, that's blackmail! _(Sigh) _Okay, fine.

BELLA: Eh. That wasn't as good as I thought it would be. And I have feathers in my hair because Edward can't bonk me without biting a couple of pillows. I have such a great husband!

EDWARD: Finally, I am no longer a hundred-year-old virgin! VICTORY! Now let's go snorkeling. I wonder what dolphins taste like.

BELLA: Hmm, I am throwing up, having wild mood swings, eating and sleeping more than usual and I missed my period. What could this possibly mean?

CARLISLE: You're pregnant, idiot. God, I thought even YOU would realise that! And you're the same girl who jumps off cliffs into the stormy ocean for "fun".

BELLA: Wow, someone's grumpy.

CARLISLE: Well the last time we met you called me by the wrong name! Anyway, do you want me to kill your little monster?

BELLA: I'm not letting you put a scalpel anywhere near my body. I'm not sure you're even a registered doctor.

EDWARD: Ew! The baby is a sort of mutant thing. So there goes my lifelong dream of winning the Most Beautiful Baby contest.

ROSALIE: I refuse to let anyone come near this baby. I am setting up a twenty-four hour armed guard. Emmett! Stand over here and look threatening!

BELLA: I'm going to call my baby Renesmee! It's Esme's and my mother Renee's names put together!

ESME: Oh no. Please just call her Sarah.

BELLA: I haven't seen Jacob for ages. He should come over and torture himself a little more! It might cheer me up!

JACOB: Oh, great! Now the girl I love is not only married to my mortal enemy but also having his baby! What next?

CARLISLE: Well, as a matter of fact she's dying. So, what's new?

ROSALIE: Let's feed her blood! My baby, I mean THE BABY, will like it!

CARLISLE: Great idea! Bella, you are going to have to be a cannibal for a little while. But think of it as practice for your future.

BELLA: Anything for my little angel, which is right now ripping its way through my stomach! Ouch!

ROSALIE: Quick! Save the baby!

EDWARD: Here, take this disgusting red bloody squirming thing I just found in her stomach.

ROSALIE: Oh, she's so beautiful!

JACOB: That's a BABY? I thought it was her liver!

EDWARD: Now Bella is dying! I'll have to turn her into a vampire. _(cue disgusting ripping, biting sounds)_.

JACOB: Ew. That's awkward. I'm just gonna leave now. And kill that evil, freaky baby that killed my best friend… that I am now suddenly in love with! GIVE ME THAT BABY!

**Next chapter will be the final installment of this epic plagiarised story. I hope you're enjoying it!**


	5. Breaking Dawn Part 2

**Here's the final chapter! So sorry I haven't updated for ages, I forgot because I've been focusing on my Star Wars parodies. Anyway, I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Twilight. YAY! I don't own X-Men, or the song "Walk Like An Egyptian". **

EDWARD: _(from upstairs, accompanied by lightning flashes)_ It's alive! IT'S ALIVE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BELLA: Oh my God, I'm so pretty! But, don't worry, loyal fans. Even though I'm incredibly beautiful, graceful, powerful and immortal, I'm still _totally _the same clumsy, awkward girl at heart! Now, give me my baby. I need to call Karl Lagerfeld and ask him to create some haute couture baby clothes.

JASPER: You can't go near her, you'll want to eat her. I know I do, but I am resisting because Rosalie said she'd hit me.

BELLA: Don't be silly, Jasper! I'm only hours old and very, very thirsty but I have way more control than you!

JASPER: … I'm just going to go into the forest for a while. Don't wait up for me.

BELLA: Don't worry, we won't.

EDWARD: Now that you don't smell good, I love you a lot less.

BELLA: How romantic! Let's have sex in this cute cottage Esme built for us! Ain't she a sweetie?

ESME: Yeah, I'm so pleased I built it for you to destroy with your wild sex.

EMMETT: Hey, did I ever tell you how many cottages Rose and I have smashed while having sex?

BELLA: Please, Emmett. We are trying to have sex here.

CARLISLE: Will everyone stop saying that? It's making me very uncomfortable!

ALICE: Yeah, stop doing that! The Volturi are coming to kill your daughter because she is a freaky mutant!

ESME: Oh no! What do we do?

EMMETT: Make the baby join the X-Men? HA HA! Oh, that was a really good one.

JASPER: Yeah, do that! Alice and I are leaving. As soon as she has packed all her shoes into a caravan.

ESME: If I could cry, I would be. As it is, I will have to settle for sobbing in a very dry way.

CARLISLE: Aww, poor darling. Let's invite some vampire friends over to cheer you up.

ELEAZAR: Hi, this is my family. I like to think I'm the Spanish version of Carlisle.

ESME: No you're not. You're nowhere near as hot as he is.

ELEAZAR: Oh. Well, back to the drawing board. I guess I could be the Spanish version of Edward… but then again, _(tinkling laugh) _who would want to be that?

CARMEN: I'm Eleazar's wife. We were in the Volturi once, but we had to quit because we got busted photocopying pictures of my boobs.

TANYA: I'm in love with Edward. That's right, there are other girls as stupid as Bella!

KATE: I conduct electricity, which automatically makes me cooler than everyone else here.

IRISH COVEN: We're leprechauns. But we aren't really all that lucky.

EGYPTIAN COVEN: We live in pyramids. Let's dance to "Walk Like An Egyptian"!

EMMETT: Sorry, I can't. Rosalie said I can't do that anymore.

VLADIMIR: I'm the real Count Dracula.

STEFAN: I'm Vladimir's friend, but I am not Dracula. I know, sucks right? HAHA! I made a joke!

GARRETT: I'm going to ask Kate out! She's cute! AHH stop shocking me, Kate! Why do girls always do that to me?

AMAZONIAN COVEN: We are extremely primitive and wearing animal skins. We don't even know what TV is.

EMMETT: AHHH! These people are SAVAGES, Carlisle! SAVAGES!

RANDALL: I'm a hermit.

BELLA: Oh, I was one of those once! Let's be friends!

ARO: Hello again! Hand over the baby and no-one gets hurt. Except the baby.

BELLA: No! Go away. You can kill my family, as long as you leave her alone.

CAIUS: _(in whiny little kid voice)_ Can we kill them yet?

ARO: Certainly not! Let's leave. Fights are so uncivilized. And the author can't be bothered to write about one.

CAIUS: Can I at least kill the prisoner first?

ARO: Fine, but don't expect to get an ice-cream on Friday!

TANYA: Hey, that's our sister, Irina!

CAIUS: It WAS your sister. Until I killed it.

TANYA: Ouch. That's harsh.

ARO: Okay, you had your little massacre. Let's go.

JASPER: Huzzah! We are back!

ALICE: I brought you all souvenir Machu Pichu models from South America!

EMMETT: I can't believe the Volturi actually left without fighting us. That was boring and pointless. I wanted to practice my punching on someone. Let's kiss, Rose.

ROSALIE: Okay!

JASPER: Emmett's right. Not about kissing Rose, about this being boring and pointless. It WAS completely boring and pointless.

CARLISLE: No it wasn't. We learnt lots about ourselves.

JASPER: Mostly that Bella is a selfish bitch.

ROSALIE: Aw man, I knew that YEARS ago! So I didn't learn anything!

JACOB: You ARE a selfish bitch, Bella. I can say that now, because I have a new girlfriend! YOUR BABY!

EDWARD: Stay away from my daughter!

JACOB: Okay. _(raising eyebrows in a suggestive way)_ So, Bella…

EDWARD: Have my daughter, just stay away from my wife!

JACOB: Ah, the happy ending. It's been a long time coming.

**You know what I hate most about Breaking Dawn? The way Bella's personality changes drastically the second she realizes she's pregnant. That isn't how it works. Yes, having a baby does make you more responsible and caring etc, but it doesn't make you into a completely different person. Anyway, that's just my opinion. I don't actually have a baby, so please let me know if I'm wrong.**

**Thanks so much to all the people who have read and reviewed this story! I hope you enjoyed it, and didn't find it too offensive. If you are a Twilight fan, enjoy the forthcoming Breaking Dawn movie! Personally, I would rather stick forks in my eyes than watch it, but each to their own. Thankyou and goodnight! :)**


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